I don't have time or space for your fucking fragilities

I introduced myself for a panel the other day, and for the first time ever, I introduced myself and the guidelines I had for the conversation: “I do not make time or space for colourblindness or any types of fragilities.”

Later in the panel, a member of the audience asked me the extent of that statement in non-institutional settings aka in activism with peers, and how doing so may also shut people down (#Agreed).

I am afraid that the answer that I gave this individual may not have actually answered their question so I want to make this blatantly clear now that I have had time to reflect on it.

1)      I, as a panel member, was given the power to make this statement whereas in many spaces, there are individuals who are unable to.

2)      My answer was limiting in that I answered from a “professional” standpoint and a “personal” standpoint.

My professional standpoint of making time for fragilities is different because, like the individual said, starting out conversations with “fuck your colorblindness it has no space, and fuck your feelings because it has no space” to those of dominant identities is kind of a turn off because it assumes that 1) I know better (which I do not claim to do) 2) that “I will not listen to all opinions” (note that not all opinions matter if they stand in the way of social justice).

As a professional who exists within the institution, and as someone who goes into classrooms to speak to people about diversity and inclusivity and equity, it’s difficult. I think the answer I should have given is that in classrooms, I am an educator. I am not an activist. Institutions strip the activist out of you when they make you go into classrooms and teach basic level shit. I have the definition of prejudice, discrimination, privilege, and racism stuck in my head by the number of times I have had to repeat it. And while I love my job, it doesn’t heal me, nor is it enough. The reality is I fucking hate teaching white people about racism because they can choose to opt out. I love having conversation with those of marginalized identities about oppression because they understand. Because they live it, like I do. Because I can build a collective understanding of experiences, not facts like I have to do when I teach racism to white people.

In a professional setting, I cannot afford to shut people down because I’d lose my job. In my professional space, I am forced to forgo my ‘fuck your colorblindness and fragilities’ value for the sake of teaching and coddling of privileged feelings. It’s FUCKING SHITTY.

And lastly, personally. I can afford to do this in my personal life because I don’t have time for toxic shit to be in my life. I think at the panel I mentioned that I cut off a lot of activist friends for their toxic masculinity that I don’t fucking need in my life. Just because I cut them off for that though, doesn’t mean I won’t support them in their non-intersectional racial social justice. It just means that they are not an ally in my movement as a woman of colour. I can afford to call shit out in my friend groups and I can afford to call out fragilities and any type of humanism blindness in my friend groups because while deep down I would love to have a shit ton of friends, I also know that my worth is more than just a lens of racism. Or a lens of LGBTQ+ activism. Or a lens of feminism. It is ALL OF THOSE COMBINED and those who do not take the time or effort to hold themselves (and me) accountable to the intersections of identity that multiple marginalized identities face is not my friend. They are only assets. And they are toxic when I am trying to care for myself, when I am trying to fight alongside others. When I cannot trust them to do for me what I would do for them.

This is why I do not make space for fragilities (white fragility is granted, but male fragility within activist groups is much harder to address. These are our friends. They go through shit too. But THE MOMENT THEY START TO BACK OFF BECAUSE THEY THINK YOUR ACTIVISM DOESN’T MATCH THEIRS, IS THE MOMENT YOU CAN KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. YOU DO NOT NEED TOXIC SHIT LIKE THAT).

There is this powerful quote that goes really well with how I don’t have time for fucking fragilities because the more that we (as women of colour) allow men of colour to use us, to abuse us (literally and metaphorically), to mold us, to exploit us—they are no better than the white man to us WOC (that’s fucking right, Men of colour, you better fucking check yourselves; I just fucking compared you to white men). “I will always fight for my men of colour, but my men of colour will never fight for me.” ß This quote originally began as a question, until I changed it. It used to be “I will always fight for my men of colour, but will my men of colour ever fight for me?” because I had the answer I needed with their silence and compliance to their toxic masculinity. I am so fucking sick of this shit in my life. And I will no longer have conversations about this shit.

Not everyone can afford to do this though. I’m still coming to terms with whether or not this is a privilege: to be able to cut off toxicity in my life. In many cases, it can be, but it can also be another case towards isolation, which is yet another problem that activists face in the burnout. All I know is that for me; I can no longer afford to coddle my men of colour when they will not hold themselves accountable to their masculinity, or white feminists who will not hold themselves accountable to their whiteness.

Situations require different guidelines, and the reason as to why it was appropriate for the panel is because it is not the type of conversation that I wanted to be had. I don't have time to coddle fragilities because people are fucking dying because of oppression. HAVE SOME FUCKING URGENCY OR SOMETHING WITH YOUR FUCKING ACTIVISM. Hurt feelings of privileged identities does not constitute oppression. I did not want white people crying and feeling pity for me. I’ve had that done before already and I don’t fucking need that shit. I’ve had men become defensive when I call out their masculinity because intersectionality doesn’t fucking matter to them unless they’re getting ally points/cookies for it without putting it into their practice. I’ve had too many conversations that center around hurt feelings of the oppressor that I’m fucking done. And if I’m “oppressing” you by doing that, then you need to have a conversation with someone else who will affirm your “reverse ism” ideologies. I am not the person to do that for you.  (Fun fact: reverse discrimination doesn’t exist, folks. Unless you give me a time machine ). 

All in all, I’m sorry, Christian. For being unable to answer your question effectively and on the spot. You are a beautiful person and the words you said during the workshop and the words you said to me were radical as fuck. But I hope this answer helps if you are to get to it. <3 Much love. This is for you.