Once upon a time, not too long ago, I was a diversity peer
educator at an institution. In that organization, we were split down the middle
(half POC, half white folks). The POC were pretty great and awesome and amazing
(AND QUEER) and outspoken about the bullshit of whiteness that permeated all
aspects of our lives.
We were doing a diversity training in a classroom with 3 POC
(myself included), and a white co-worker. During this presentation, we were
bombarded with racist comments about how reverse racism is real and how there
isn’t a lot of research about our experiences (as POC) are only “our”
experiences and don’t speak to larger society. We handled this amazingly,
because we are fucking bomb presenters, but noticed that our white counterpart
didn’t speak almost the entire time.
Until the moment we left the training. They went on and on
about “OMYGOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED.” And my POC coworker said to
that white person: “You don’t get to act the way you did in that room (silent)
and say shit like that to our faces.” Because DUH, you’re a fucking peer
educator. You should’ve known that as a white person, it’s your place to get
your people and put them in their place, because we know white people are more
likely to listen to other white people.
Afterwards, we were approached by the white person in a
café, who proceeded to spew this shit: “I had a panic attack when you called me
out.”
BITCH THAT DOESN’T FUCKING EXCUSE YOUR SILENCE IN THE FACE
OF RACISM.
I was fucking ASTONISHED at the fucking nerve of white
people to pull this “mental illness” card on POC who ALSO have fucking
deteriorating mental illness. I didn’t realize that this shit was what white
people do
ALL
THE
TIME.
As I continue on my journey of understanding, learning, and
navigating conversations of social justice in my life, I’ve noticed more and
more, the ways in which white people are so keen and able to bring up their
mental illness and WEAPONIZE it against the people of color in their life, or
use it in order to manipulate conversations to center themselves. (White
people, not everything is about you, and your mental illness is not a means for
you to inch your way in or out of particular conversations).
I see this in conversations, mainly when we talk about how
defensiveness shows up in conversations of white privilege. In the same way
white women talk about how they're women, and that's why they're equally oppressed as women of color.
As people of color, we don’t get to step away from our skin
color in order to take care of our mental illness. We have to carry that shit,
along with the rest of our identities with us. On top of that, MUCH OF POC’s
mental illness stems DIRECTLYYYYYY FROM *GASP* RACISM.
Historical trauma runs deep in our veins, our DNA. You
cannot expect that stealing black people from Africa and making them your
slaves and telling them that they aren’t even a full fucking person, having it
fucking WRITTEN IN THE FUCKING LAW OF THE LAND, and then just casually expect
black folk to be born on the same day as you and NOT feel the fucking
repercussions of it.
Your mental illness does not give you a pass on being a
piece of shit to the people of color in your life. It does not entitle you to
their labor, their reassurance, their time.
ES*PE*CIA*LLY if it’s WITHOUT THEIR DAMN CONSENT! Just a
general rule of thumb in life: make it a practice to ask your friends if they
are in a good place to have a conversation about _____. If they say no, do not
get your mopey face on and cry (because I will fucking leave and you will
probably be on my shit list), if your friends say no, be thankful that they are
drawing boundaries with you and respect themselves enough to say no.
AND if they say yes, do NOT take this as an invitation to
have a conversation about _____ with them at any time as you so choose. Y’all
white people love taking up space and entering spaces when you have obviously
overstayed your welcome. If your POC friend agrees to do it one time, it DOES
NOT MEAN that you can come and do it another time. This is not an invitation
for POC to be your damn dump machine. We are not your therapists or your
reassurance machine.
(Y’all white people seriously don’t fucking understand
consent unless it’s sexual, but Y’ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT it’s about all
aspects of life)
ALSO if your POC friends are ALWAYSYSSSSSSS saying yes, you
might want to reevaluate 1) how many times you’re coming to them for
advice….bitch, are you fucking paying them? 2) what you actually REALLLLLLY
want out of the conversation. Is it advice that you will actually take? Is it
emotional labor to help you process something (racist) that happened? Or is it
to talk about yourself and what you’re going through? ß which is ok, I support this
in the same way I know friends are supposed to be here to support one another
but also not be one’s therapists. Again, what you do REALLY want out of the
conversation? Do you want to be told that you’re not a burden? That you’re not
taking up space? That you’re a good white person? If it’s any of those, then
you need to understand that you will either get a sugarcoated real answer or a
direct real answer and you need to be able to take both of those and NOT GET
ALL PUPPY EYES ABOUT IT BECAUSE 1) someone tried fucking hard not to hurt your
feelings because they care about you AND 2) someone was direct with you because
they fucking care about you (that’s me).
ANDDDDD when POC call you out on your bullshit, it’s not
like we were expecting you to be perfect all the damn time. (Surprise, I
know y’all think POC are perfect, but
*gasp* we are not. I know. Heartbreaking). But you CAANNNOTTTT go blaming your
racist bullshit on your mental illness. Y’all that is NOT an excuse! JUST SAY
YOU FUCKED UP AND MOVE ONNNNNN JFC and if the people who called you out on your
bullshit don’t want you to be in their life because of a mistake that you made,
it’s on them to make that call, and it’s on you to move on from that as well.
For me, I use the analogy of closing doors. I close doors on
relationships a lot. I do it for my mental health, I do it because people
aren’t worth my time. BUT, I never, EVER, lock the door. That way, if, by
chance, in the future, I decide (or the other person decides) to enter through
the door again, it will be open for the both of us.
White supremacy is not a fucking mental illness and for you
to weaponize it like that. It is a disservice to yourself and the POC in your
life (dishonor on you and dishonor on your cow).
WARNING (this should’ve been at the beginning but oh well):
I am not saying that white people are not allowed to have mental illnesses in
their life. I’m not saying that white people’s experiences with anxiety,
depression, BPD…otherwise, is not valid. I’m saying that I’m absolutely tired
of white folks weaponizing their mental illness against the people of color in
their life, regardless of their intentions. It’s in the same way white people
require constant assurance that they are, in fact “doing work” or in the way
that white people constantly interject themselves into situations where they
are proving themselves to be nonracist, when in fact, they are only requiring
the labor of the people of color in their lives. Yes, even the ones that they
love and hold dear.
I’m saying that after years and years of spilling and
pouring my emotional labor into white folks who will never prove me wrong in my
assumptions about their bs, I’m pretty tired, and I think it’s time for white
folks to fucking realize that I’m not a machine that shits out validation,
love, patience, and assurance. I can barely do that shit for myself.
And listen to this:
AS POC, WE DON’T EXPECT IT OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.
So why the fuck would you think that I wouldn’t be so
fucking irritated about it?
POC are already scrutinized to fucking death (literally) and
are overwork and underpaid, especially if you’re in the higher education system
(which is the lens I am looking through). We do work, we do labor for the very
simple fact that if we don’t do it 1) no one else will or 2) white folks are
gonna fuck it up or 3) white folks are
gonna capitalize on the work of POC.
We. Don’t. have. Time. To. Deal. With. Your. Mental. Health.
Issues.
This is the same shit I will tell damaged men of color:
GO
TO
FUCKING
THERAPY.
AND STOP
EXPECTING
WOMEN
OF
COLOR
TO
DO
THE
EMOTIONAL LABOR
OF DRAGGING
YOUR ASS
BACK UP.
AND STOP USING YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS
AS A WEAPON
TO EXCUSE YOUR DAMN RACISM
TL;DR: Because white people think that as “friends” we won’t
call you out on your shit and because white people require too much emotional
labor from people of color (ESPECIALLY WOMEN).
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
If you have questions, you better be ready for real answers.
