This piece is on horizontal oppression. This piece is for people who call themselves activists. This piece is for whom the shoe fits.
As someone whose life is built around the service of others, service for social justice, and service to those I love, if there's anything I've learned, it's that friends, family, and love are built on accountability.
Sometimes accountability is difficult to give and it is difficult to take from people you hold dear. It is difficult to take from people who you respect, it is difficult to take from people who you consistently seek and find validation in.
As an activist, you should not be afraid of being held accountable for your fucked up ideologies, actions, and words from your activist friends/co-workers (I make the differentiation because sometimes people who you do activism with are not your friends and are simply people you work with. I will use friends for the rest of this blogpost...but know that not all activism "friends" are "friends" I make this distinction because I feel like there is a big difference in that relationship because you can work towards the same cause together but not know one another as friends do).
You should not go to your friends selfishly seeking validation and confirmation for your excuses for your fucked up ideologies, actions and words. JUST DON'T FUCKING DO IT. You don't get a pass for being misogynistic just because you fight for racial justice. You don't get a pass just because you're going to your friends. You don't get a pass because you already know that you are guilty and y you are looking to have someone confirm your excuses to be a good person.
Furthermore, as an activist, you should not be giving excuses for others' fucked up ideologies, actions, and words.
It's really easy to see these words and agree with them. It is difficult to follow through with them. I find it difficult (ALWAYS) to follow through with them. Holding others and yourself accountable is exhausting, but it is necessary.
When I am held accountable for the excuses I try to make in order to paint me as a good activist (lol what is that?) a good person, a person doing service for the greater good, I get embarrassed. It's a natural reaction for me to feel embarrassed for thinking that my actions/words/ideologies are excusable when they implicitly or explicitly contribute to oppression. I feel ashamed of myself.
But this shame should not be confused as "being shamed." IF SOMEONE IS HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR BULLSHIT, YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING GRATEFUL. Because that shit is hard.
Finding people with your exact ideologies is difficult. Understandable. In a world where the powerful majority create rifts in marginalized groups so they can fight one another instead of the powerful, it's understand that there are differences that divide us. But it doesn't mean that these differences are excusable.
Cis het Hmoob men excusing bridenapping as a joke isn't a difference in opinion, it's a reality that Hmoob women face that is indicative of a culture (both inside and outside of the Hmoob community) that makes excuses for rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, and a lack of understanding or accountability to consent.
It's understandable that people have their "own activism" that spans on a spectrum of spectrums of survival, to clicktivism, to liberal white activism, to radical activism. All of which may differentiate from one person to another. But I feel like activists have an obligation to venture beyond what they are doing now and less for their own sake. We say that activism and intersectionality is complicated and stop there, instead of exploring beyond that. Simply because we say it's too much. Because it requires accountability of others and ourselves.
But if you call yourself an activist and then "pick and choose" when you are an activist for the sake of your own convenience to be cool, for shock value, let me tell you right the fuck now, that you can leave my life.
Yes, I will talk shit about you if you use the n word and you know the history and the potential impact of the word. You might even get a dirty look from me. Maybe I won't call you out on it because you're with your toxically masculine "bros" and if I do so, I run the risk of verbal, mental, emotional, and physical assault, but know that I'm talking shit about you. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING KNOW BETTER THAN TO USE THAT WORD. Because if you as a non-black POC and an activist, t hink that it's okay to use and excuse the N word, then it is CLEAR to me that you don't care about the pain that this word brings to Black people and are choosing to ignore it.
To the people this year who have excused white/cis/het/transmisogyny this past semester for the sake of your hurt feelings, hey. This is about you.
Do not be so quick to beleive that the people who work by your side, who work with you, are the people that you can align yourself with when shit hits the fan. Institutional oppression runs deep within all of our veins and people will align themselves with the winning side for their own sake to be painted as good.
Back to the point though, all of this shit would have been avoided if we were accountable to ourselves to recognize when we are making excuses for our bullshit, and if people held us accountable.
Everyone wants to be a "good guy" but we are all fucked up. We are gray as fuck when it comes to good and bad.
Being a good person is like being an ally. You don't get to declare it about yourself and wear it like a badge and be praised for it. You don't get to cancel out your bullshit just because you're a good person. (Also, good is subjective. Are you "good" in the institution's eyes? If that's the case, you should probably rethink it)
I will be that buzzkill. You can fucking count on it. I will be that bitch that no one wants to invite to their parties. You can always fucking count on me giving you a fucking stink eye if you use the n word or if you treat women like property, or say that trans identities are made up.
You do n't have to be that "bad" person. I give a fuck about what you do because it directly defines who I am if I surround myself with you. I give a fuck about what you do because it directly afects people's lives and their fucking well-being.
Holding yourself accountable is difficult sometimes and that's why your friends are there to work you through it. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING GRATEFUL IF YOU'RE CALLED OUT. IT MEANS YOUR FRIENDS FUCKING CARE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE GOING AROUND SPEWING OPPRESSIVE BULLSHIT.
Holding people accocuntable is one of the most difficult things that I face on a day-to-day basis. More than liekly, I'll call you out subtly. I usually use humor.
Holding people accountable is difficult because people will make excuses for their bullshit when they know they are guilty of it.
Holding people accountable runs the risk of you losing that friendship. Being held accountable makes you feel like shit. But true friends hold you accountable for your bullshit becuase they see you as someone who is better and a non-oppressing piece of shit.
And if you lose friends along the way, then fine. If you cut people off for saying the N word, if you cut people off for defending misogyny for the sake of their hurt feelings, if you cut people off for never showing up to shit and then work directly against you-you don't need those people in your life anyways. They will do their own thing.
And the thing about that is that you can always show up to their protests. You can always show up to their gatherings for their s hit. Maybe they'll show up to yours. Because fuck yeah, we're all fucking battling this fucked up s hit called institutional oppression and we need as many numbers as we can get. You can show up for the cause if you believe in its impact.
You can show up to show solidarity with others, even when people will not show solidarity to you.
