Tonight, I should be
home.
I promised my younger brother that I would take him to see
the Lego Movie 2.
Tonight, I should be
home.
I haven’t been home in almost a month, and I haven’t seen my
youngest brother, held him, laughed with him, explored trains and animals with
him, and spoken to him in Hmoob.
I haven’t been able to ask him to say “thov” when he is
asking for a treat, his toys, or when he asks to go with me.
Tonight, I should be
home.
I miss sleeping on the floor of my brother’s room as he
snores. The room is too small for us both, and I always create a mess, but he just
got accepted to UW-Steven’s Point and he will be gone soon. This room will be empty
soon. I just want to cherish it while he is still here.
Tonight, I should be
home.
My parents are in the middle of one of their biggest fights
ever, and months before were headed towards divorce. Things have calmed down
since I told them I would not be coming back for quite some time. Maybe they finally
realized what I meant when I said I was tired of being a parent to my parents,
and a parent to my brothers.
Yesterday, my mom called me over Facebook and told me not to
come home. The roads will be bad. The snow will be dangerous. I know that if I come
home, my parents will dump the last 4 weeks onto me.
I am my parents’ eldest and only daughter.
I am my parents’ hopes and dreams, I carry their sacrifices
on my shoulders. Sometimes their sacrifices carry me in my darkest times. These
are the demons we refuse to talk about. When I talk about them, I can never
stop the tears.
I am my parents’ eldest and only daughter. I was born to
raise my brothers, I was born and bred to be a nyab. I was born to be the
success story that my parents dreamt of when they ran from war.
I think Hmong daughters know best, the burden of carrying
their entire family on their shoulders. Carrying their emotions, their hopes,
their dreams, their love, their traumas. We carry their love, even when we know
it does not even amount to the love that they give to the sons they wish we
were.
Hmoob daughters know best, that we are never completely our
parents’. We will go when we are married. We will become a part of someone else’s
family.
I am rejecting this idea to say that I will always be a part
of my family, and someone who cannot respect this does not deserve my love. I reject
this idea because my brothers will still need me, my parents will still need me,
and I will still need them.
Tonight, I should be
home.
I am a homebody. Every time I leave home to go back to the
town where I am pursuing my studies, I feel my heart break. I feel the distance
between my heart and my soul when I leave. I hear my youngest brother saying my
name, asking to go with. I see the way that he waves goodbye to me through the
window in our living room. I see the way he doesn’t leave the window until my
car is out sight.
I hear the way my mom asks me when I am leaving, the moment I
step foot into the house. I hear the way she tells me not to worry about her as
she misses another dose of her medication for depression.
I hear my brothers ask me to take them to the store, ask how
to get rid of acne, how to do their taxes, how to apply for college, how to
apply for jobs, how to interview.
Tonight, I should be
home. But instead, I am crying.
I have always had to choose between my career, my future,
and my family, as if there will always be a rift between the person I am
supposed to be and the person I want to be. I am waiting for a day where I do
not have to choose between the two.
My mom says to me when I leave, “Mus kawm ntawv kom zoo nawb
mog, txhob txhawj txoj peb.” I do well in my studies. It is not my studies I am
worried about. It is how much life I will have missed out when my studies are
done, how many birthdays I will have missed, graduations I will miss, family
talks, tears, laughter, smiles because of the military, because of school, because
of work, because of weather, because of the distance between me and my heart
and home.
I will be home soon
again.
My parents have never agreed with the decisions I have made
in my life and they have been vocal about it. My parents have never voiced
their support for my future, for my current studies, but they have always been
there. I know I will make myself proud. To be the person I want to be for myself,
my brothers, my parents, my Hmoob community. I have succeeded thus far, I will
continue to.
(Nayyirah Waheed)
